Thursday October 6th 2022

Oh, oh, oh – in celebration of the big O.

Madame K is an international woman of mystery and writer of erotic fiction, who is eternally in search of the perfect mojito and the perfect orgasm, preferably at the same time. She fights for a world in which every woman can embrace their sexuality with honesty, humour, and oodles of enjoyment. This is not a sex health column, this is a sex mental health column.

Oh Oh Oh

One thing I know for sure. If you’re not sure whether or not you’ve ever come, you’ve never come. There is no way any woman could actually orgasm and be unaware of it. Women go through nine months of pregnancy without realising it, and I’ve always found that hard to fathom, but I absolutely, completely, categorically refuse to believe anyone has ever come without realising it.

I remember my first orgasm. There were no other parties involved in the making of this major motion experience, I decided to get to grips with the situation myself. Since then I’ve had lots of fun with fingers, bedroom electronics, the mere sound of my man’s voice, and, on one memorable occasion, a Solero; but I am a firm believer that a loved one is needed to make it a major emotion experience.

There are different kinds of orgasm – well, technically, of course, there’s vaginal and clitoral, but I’m thinking more in terms of how your body responds. There’s the kind where you start aching before you come, and it almost hurts, and the actual climax is like a release of all the frustration you’ve ever felt in your entire life. These are quicker, faster, and leave you wanting more.

There’s the classic wave, where the pleasure grows slowly, slowly, and then surges through your body like ripples of liquid chocolate, and pulse slowly to a white noise of pleasure, where the slightest touch on any part of your body is fuzzy, warm, and pushes you back to the edge of ecstasy.

But then – ohhhh then – there’s the best kind. The holy grail of orgasms. The kind that takes a while to get to, that keeps you on the edge until you can’t think of anything but sheer joy, when you can’t think at all. And when you finally descend into the ocean of delight, your whole body shakes, you can’t control anything, and when it’s over, your face is numb, and buzzing, and you are one great big enormous smile.

The last kind – this is the kind that only the man I love has ever helped me achieve.  And only ever when he’s come at the same time, with the same intensity, and we can smile together. Sharing, you see, really is caring.

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