Saturday September 24th 2022

When needs must…sisters do it for themselves

Madame K is an international woman of mystery and writer of erotic fiction, who is eternally in search of the perfect mojito and the perfect orgasm, preferably at the same time. She fights for a world in which every woman can embrace their sexuality with honesty, humour, and oodles of enjoyment. This is not a sex health column, this is a sex mental health column.

It turns out that while ex-husbands are good for fixing most machines and gadgets, asking them to fix your vibrator at just after midnight is not really an option. This quite frankly devastating truth occurred to me, as might be evident, just after midnight on a night when, quite simply, I needed my

There are several things a vibrator cannot do, gentlemen, before you rush to the defensive. They cannot compliment us. They cannot simultaneously tweak our nipple with their teeth and apply just the right amount of pressure to our clit. Most tragically of all, they have no strong arms with which to hold us. But, given the right vibrator, and the will to succeed, a vibrator can, guaranteed, give you an orgasm. And it fits neatly into your handbag.

Now, a wiser woman than I, a more organised woman than I, but, let’s face it, a more boring woman than I, might have taken precautions. And in this case I mean stocking up on batteries, having more than one vibrator, or buying the rechargeable kind. And truth be told, I have three vibrators. But, as I was not in my own bed(room), only one of them was to hand. The tiny, purple, bullet shaped, fitsinmyhandbag vibrator. The one that runs on a single AA battery.

I don’t know how many of you have had the shocking experience of being halted mid-arousal. I’ve heard tales from mothers with small children. Teenagers with small minded mothers. Cheating spouses. When your mind and body are ready and willing and have given over to arousal, when those happy tingling sensations have begun, and you are all systems go – well, a systems failure at this point in proceedings is more than disappointing. I believe it can have serious psychological ramifications.

And so there I was. I had reached that point where your pelvis is lurching forward ready for more. And my little device said “uh uh”. And of course, I have fingers. Of course I have a vivid imagination. But that night, I was set on one course of action, and one course of action only.

Ladies and Gentleman, when faced with a crisis, ‘n boer maak ‘n plan. This sexy mama rewired that device, stark naked, at nearing 1am, by the light of my BlackBerry. And I believe that the resulting orgasm had an added aura of triumph.

Follow Madame K on Twitter @mdmek

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